Jesus Cringes As Fighter Accused of Domestic Assault Thanks Him in Post Fight Speech

God’s only son Jesus Christ was reportedly disturbed by the recent post-fight interview with Kyle “Mad Dog” Helmer, in which the fighter, who was accused of domestic assault, thanked the popular religious martyr for his help in winning the fight.

“Yeah I just want to make one thing clear: I absolutely did not give that guy the power to win that fight,” said the Lamb of God. “I don’t know why he has to bring my name up, but it really pisses me off when people do this. I swear on my dad’s grave that I have never talked to this guy nor will I ever talk to him.”

Despite many run-ins with law enforcement, Helmer claims he is a long-time follower of the Christian faith and exclaimed, “all my power comes from Christ, I can do anything through Jesus,” before thanking his coaches and teammates.

When pressed for comment, Jesus doubled down on distancing himself from Helmer.

“Man, that is fucked up. I have literally never seen him before, and not once have I even heard one of his prayers. So I definitely have not answered any of them,” said Jesus. “He kept pointing up to the sky and thanking me, and I wanted to be like ‘first off, heaven isn’t some place above the clouds, it is all around you you fucking moron. Secondly, stop saying I helped you. I have too much of my own shit to figure out.’ ”

Experts believe Jesus is the most thanked figure in all of fight sports and noted this might be the first time the Almighty has reached out to let fight fans know he was not involved in a fighter’s training camp.

“Sometimes I wish I could help some of these guys out, but the fact of the matter is I am very busy up here in heaven trying to answer as many prayers as I can,” said Jesus. “I am at a desk most of the day, and I am starting to gain a little weight. I would love to hit the gym and train a bit… but I can’t. So please, everyone, stop bringing me up. God bless.”